The Subtle (Unconscious) Art of Causing Our Children’s Disrespect
AND HOW TO BECOME CONSCIOUSLY COMPETENT AT PRODUCING RESPECT
If you’ve ever wondered why such a loving parent such as yourself is to bear the burden of your kids’ disrespect this is for you!
I want to dedicate this edition of our parenting newsletter to my Mum & Dad. I love you both and thank you.
Disrespect from my perspective is a sensation which one person projects onto another. In recent videos of mine you’ll have heard that I define disrespect as the disregard for another person’s resources, energy, emotions, resources and time.
Why this is so important to note is because disrespect is often unconscious. It is merely an automatic reaction to a scenario or stimulus. Something outside of us.
Let’s think about that for a moment.
When our child interrupts us are they thinking, “time to interrupt mummy or daddy”. Doubtful. They are most likely thinking, “I want attention from mummy or daddy so I can get x,y,z”. Moreover, their actions are more than likely on autopilot. The purpose behind the interruption is a mere function of their unconscious and automatic desire to feel validated by something external to them.
There’s a very important dynamic about to play out in a very detrimental way, in this moment.
A family is at home, mum is tending to some work of hers, the kids are playing and dad is writing a newsletter.
Child - “mummy, mummy, I want a chocolate!” - The hidden agenda - “I want to feel connection and pleasure”
Mum - “can’t you see I’m doing some work, why did you interrupt me?”
Child - “daddy, daddy, give me a chocolate!”
Dad - “don’t speak to me like that, no chocolate”
Child - begins escalating and even crying.
Does this scenario seem familiar? It certainly does to me.
What I learned from this repetition of tension is that we missed something incredibly simple. We failed to understand that the escalation is just an internal pre-set behaviour in our kids.
Let’s see how the same intention - going for something a child wants - would be seen as beneficial.
It’s your child’s first words. They’ve been saying sounds for a few months and you can just tell they’re ready to speak their first word. You encourage them and in a matter of time they do it, they talk. Then with more encouragement and talking with them they begin to form sentences. WOW you’re overjoyed. You cry, you laugh, you hug and you feel like such a successful parent. How wonderful that feeling is.
The same goes for all of their milestones. Walking, reading, writing, sports, music, art, tidying up, personal growth on all levels.
We do these things unconsciously too. They are quite in-built and natural. They are also congruent with what we’ve learned to do ourselves and predictably familiar.
If familiarity is the key to having control and confidence, while being interrupted or disruption produces the opposite sensation we’ve got a new job to do. We must bring a sense of familiarity and normality to disruption. Disruption is in our nature after all.
Let’s run through a few key steps to make your future interactions powerful and wonderful and to stop the cycle of disrespect on both you and your kids’ behalves. Try each step individually and write down your answer. Then run the whole process not from a thinking point of view but a feeling point of view.
If you want more clarity or a personal guide through these steps connect with me hello@hamishyoung.com.au
Steps to producing familiarity (confidence) in disruption
Where is my mind/body right now?
In order to do this I want you to get clear on where your present internal state is. Are you highly charged emotionally? Did the above story bring back beautiful memories filled with love? Or was it the opposite? Either way, where are you right now?
Let’s do it together. As I write I am in awe of the beauty and wonder I experienced with my kids’ first words. My current state is LOVE.
Your answer:
Sit comfortably, close your eyes and take a long slow breath in through your nose. Hold for a moment and release slowly.
Repeat a mantra of your choice in your mind as you do so.
[insert child’s name] love you with all that I am and all that I have.
[insert child’s name] you are the gift that brings me unconditional love and joy
I am worthy of eternal love with my kids
Or make your own
Continue the breathing cycle while you say these beautiful things. As you do so, visualise an amazing moment in time that makes you want to burst with love or joy.
When you begin to feel a sensation of love, joy, gratitude in your body you have then attained the perfect state of being to reframe your future interactions with your child.
What’s your state of being?:
Create the new way through disruptive moments
3. THE VISUALISATION MEDITATION (THIS WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER!
Visualise mentally and feel future moments of disruption. See your child being demanding or interrupting you. See their little and gorgeous eyes brimming with energy and desire for your attention or for you to solve their problem. See the reliance they unconsciously put in you. Feel that for a moment. Isn’t it actually wonderful that they would look for you and only you. In this moment you’re the most important person in their world. They chose to only see you and seek you.
Feel how you want to help them, how you want them to understand, how you want them to grow. What are you going to do? Do you hold their hand, look into their eyes, hold them close, ask them to breathe with you? Choose your way to soothe the eruption of energy which is the disruption. Judge it not, rather direct it to something meaningful.
Play out this visualisation for as long or as little as you feel suitable. It can take around 15 minutes just to get into a loving state of being. Be patient. Your monkey mind (automatic thoughts and feelings) will try to unstick you. Go back to the breath and allow it to deepen your focus.
Again if this is something you’re getting stuck with connect with me and I’ll be happy to guide you through it. hello@hamishyoung.com.au
4. RECORD YOUR EXPERIENCE
Take a clean sheet of paper and a pen. Begin writing down your experience. How did you feel, think and what did you do with the disruption? Maybe you’re arty and like to use different colours, stickers or glitter. Let your inner child come out.
CAN YOU SEE WHERE WE ARE GOING?
Yes, that's right, involve your child. Ask them to come decorate your wonderful story with you. They’ll ask you what you wrote. Don’t be shy, tell them.
I wrote a story (scene or solution) about those moments when we have disagreements. When you demand things of me and we have a moment of disharmony.
Child - “What’s disharmony mummy?”
Mum - It’s where we are not working together. It’s where we lose track of how to be kind or stop listening to each other. It’s a moment of disrespect.
I found a solution so that we can both get what we want and be happy together. Do you want to see?
Sometimes they’ll say no, that’s just how it goes.
BUT IF THEY SAY YES….. Run them through this process too. Guide them verbally, use music to soothe the mood and pray for the best.
In time both of you will be creating magical moments, avoiding disrespect, instilling core family values and enjoying the most simple of interactions like they were monumental. They actually are monumental.
Wow what a journey! Feeling a bit off kilter? I certainly was when I first started this practice. I laughed, cried and my heart exploded with joy. It was unlike anything I could ever give justice to in written word. I want that for you. Just because it makes absolute sense to enjoy the one thing that comes directly from us and our body… Our kids. They are literally us version 2.0. Doesn’t that feel incredible on the back of that meditation? To know you did this amazing thing, even if it was shrouded in clouds of difficulty or pain. You made a little diamond. You too are a diamond, all grown up.
Forgetting our sovereignty is part of modern living. We are taught to validate through things and stuff. But I’ve never had a car that hugged me goodnight the way my wife and kids can. I’ve never felt that loving connection I yearn for from my house. And never was there a TV show that felt as good as it does to have a meaningful conversation with a group of friends.
The unconscious patterns we learn as we grow up overshadow the human connection, the true elixir of life and love. If you crave togetherness, calmness, peace, happiness and of course RESPECT with your family start with the breath. Elevate your state of emotional charge and see that incredible change to disruptive and disrespectful behaviour you’ve always wanted.
What’s next for you?
Run a 7 day challenge with the above tool. Start tomorrow.
Why bother? Because I have a heck of deal for you.
Do the 7 day challenge
Send in your results by 18 September
Be in the first 7 parents to submit their answers
Win 7 months of parenting mentorship worth $5000
Right now parents are struggling due to so many social factors such as economic hardship, child peer group pressure leading to kids mental challenges, school, learning, boredom, overworked parents who just want to feel relief. That’s why I’m offering this. Get the relief over the next 7 months, grow a whole lot and live a lot more freely.
Submit your challenge results by emailing me hello@hamishyoung.com.au
Finally
I’ve got a massive favour to ask of you.
I’m on a mission to help as many parents and families transcend the tumultuous nature of today’s world.
Please share this information with another parent you know would appreciate it. What that does is help our fellow neighbour to bring joy into their disrespectful parts of life.
I also ask that if you have youtube please subscribe to my youtube channel.
Love ❤️ Hamish