TODAY’S NEWSLETTER IS ONE THAT HOLDS A DEEP CLOSENESS TO MYSELF AND CLOSE FRIENDS OF MINE. IF YOU ARE SOMEONE OR KNOW SOMEONE WHO HAS OR IS BEING AFFECTED IN THE FOLLOWING MANNER KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND THERE’S HOPE. I’M SENDING YOU LOVE AND SUPPORT ❤️
Withholding time from a child’s relationship with their other parent is a heart-wrenching reality for many co-parents navigating the aftermath of divorce or separation. It occurs when one parent restricts or manipulates a child’s access to the other parent without justification, often leading to profound emotional and psychological harm. As someone who has personally experienced this as both a child and a parent, I understand the deep pain and helplessness it can evoke. With approximately 50% of children affected by divorce facing issues like anxiety, depression, and behavioural challenges, addressing the issue of withholding time is critical to protecting our children. This newsletter dives into the realities of this practice, exposes common manipulative tactics, and offers practical strategies and resources to help you rebuild trust and maintain a loving bond with your child.
The Devastating Impact of Withholding Time
Withholding time is not just a co-parenting challenge; it’s recognised as a form of emotional strain and family conflict. According to research, it involves coercive behaviours like denigration, false accusations, and restricting access to the other parent, which can lead to lifelong consequences for children, including increased risks of depression, substance abuse, and strained relationships in adulthood. For the targeted parent, the experience is equally traumatic, often resulting in feelings of powerlessness, anxiety, and grief. The actions of the parent withholding time—whether driven by unresolved anger or a need for control—create a toxic dynamic that undermines the child’s relationship with both parents.
In my own journey, I’ve faced lies that kept me from my daughter, such as claims of her being “unavailable” or “ill.” These tactics are not uncommon and are designed to erode the bond between parent and child. But there is hope. By understanding these behaviours and equipping yourself with the right tools, you can counteract the withholding of time and foster a healthier co-parenting dynamic.
Common Lies and How to Counter Them
Here are three common lies used when withholding time, along with strategies to navigate them effectively:
Lie 1: “They’re Not Available”
This excuse is a classic power play, often used to block your time with your child. In my experience, I discovered my daughter was rarely engaged in “grandiose plans” when I was told she was unavailable—it was simply a tactic to exert control. Reacting with anger can backfire, giving the parent withholding time ammunition to justify their actions. Instead, stay calm and propose alternatives. For example, ask, “Is there a better time that works?” This approach demonstrates your commitment to cooperation while clarifying your intent to maintain contact. Over time, consistent, non-combative communication can break down barriers and establish new patterns of trust.
Lie 2: “They’re ill and Need to Recover”
This lie can be particularly frustrating, as it plays on your concern for your child’s well-being. In one instance, I was told my daughter was too ill to see me, only to find out she had a minor sore throat. To counter this, I calmly reiterated our agreed-upon visitation schedule and emphasised how spending time with me could support her recovery. When that didn’t work, I asked a clarifying question: “Does spending time with me impair her ability to recover?” This put the onus on the co-parent to justify their claim, and I secured the visit. The key is to stay composed, use logic, and avoid disparaging the other parent in front of your child. This preserves your relationship and minimises conflict.
Lie 3: “I’m the Primary Caregiver, I Know What’s Best”
This lie often stems from a system that can disproportionately favour one parent, particularly in high-conflict cases. It dismisses the equal importance of both parents in a child’s life. Men, in particular, may face this bias, as societal norms sometimes undervalue their role in emotional nurturing. To counter this, document instances of withheld time, such as texts or emails, and seek legal or therapeutic intervention. Courts increasingly recognise withholding time as contrary to a child’s best interests, and a custody lawyer can help request evaluations or modified visitation orders to ensure both parents remain involved.
Essential Resources for Parents Facing Withheld Time
Navigating the challenge of withheld time requires knowledge, support, and sometimes professional intervention. Here are some highly recommended books and services to empower you:
Books
“Surviving Parental Alienation: A Journey of Hope and Healing” by Amy J.L. Baker, PhD, and Paul R. Fine, LCSW. This book is a lifeline for parents facing withheld time, offering compassion, validation, and practical strategies for coping and rebuilding relationships. Dr. Baker, a leading expert, combines real-life stories with actionable advice, making it a must-read for those feeling isolated.
“Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex: What to Do When Your Ex-Spouse Tries to Turn the Children Against You” by Amy J.L. Baker, PhD This practical guide helps parents avoid common co-parenting mistakes and protect children from loyalty conflicts. It provides techniques for fostering open communication and combating negative messaging from a hostile ex.
“Divorce Poison: How to Protect Your Family from Bad-mouthing and Brainwashing” by Richard A. Warshak. Dr. Warshak’s book is a comprehensive resource for understanding and countering behaviours that lead to withheld time. It offers specific strategies for maintaining a positive relationship with your child despite manipulation.
“Parents Acting Badly: How Institutions and Societies Promote the Alienation of Children from Their Loving Families” by Jennifer Jill Harman. This book explores the societal and systemic factors that enable the withholding of time, providing insights into how to advocate for change and protect your child’s well-being.
Services
Conscious Co-Parenting Institute. (USA) Founded by Dorcy Pruter, a reunification coach and formerly alienated child, this institute offers innovative strategies to prevent and address withheld time. Their programmes, like the High Road to Reunification, focus on communication tools and rebuilding bonds, even in high-conflict cases. Pruter’s personal success in reuniting with her father and siblings makes this a powerful resource.
Family Separation Clinic. Based in the UK but offering global services, this clinic specialises in families experiencing withheld time. They provide therapeutic interventions and support for both parents and children to restore healthy relationships.
Parental Alienation Grief Programme (PAGP). This seven-session programme, created by Dean Tong, MSc., helps parents process the emotional toll of withheld time. It includes group discussions and tools to manage grief and maintain hope.
Family Access. (Aus.) This organisation hosts monthly international seminar calls for family members facing withheld time, offering knowledge and community support to navigate the challenges of this issue.
Building a Support System
A strong support system is crucial for both parents and children. Connect with others through support groups like those offered by Family Access or online communities on platforms like Facebook. These groups provide solidarity and practical advice from others who’ve faced similar struggles. Therapy is also vital. Family therapy can create a safe space to rebuild trust, while individual counselling for the child helps them process manipulation. For parents, therapy offers tools to manage anxiety and grief.
Legal and Therapeutic Interventions
If the withholding of time persists, legal action may be necessary. A child custody lawyer can request court-ordered family therapy or modified custody arrangements to protect the child’s relationship with both parents. Early intervention is key, as prolonged withholding can be harder to reverse. Therapeutic interventions, like Multi Modal Family Interventions (MMFI), can also address entrenched cases by focusing on restoring the parent-child bond.
Hope for Reconciliation
Despite the pain, reconciliation is possible. Research shows that persistent, compassionate communication from the targeted parent can rebuild trust over time. Stories of adult children reuniting with parents who faced withheld time highlight the power of staying present and loving, even when it feels hopeless. My own experience of overcoming lies to spend time with my daughter—bringing her favourite sushi and fostering gratitude—shows that small, thoughtful actions can make a big difference.
Final Thoughts
Withholding time from a child’s relationship with their parent is a form of harm disguised as protection, but you are not powerless. By educating yourself, using strategic communication, and leveraging resources like those from Amy J.L. Baker, Richard A. Warshak, and the Conscious Co-Parenting Institute, you can protect your child and rebuild your relationship. Stay resilient, document everything, and never stop showing your love. For more insights, check out the recommended books and services, and join a support community to find strength in shared experiences. Together, we can break the cycle of withheld time and create a brighter future for our children.
Note: This content is for information purposes only. Please seek professional advice in sensitive situations. Promote healthy family lives
Next week we’ll be looking into the top 3 ways you can become a powerhouse and overcome those daily frustrations beating your parenting game down.
Love ❤️ Hamish